This is my first blog for a while. I think it is the first time I have missed writing a monthly blog since I started writing them in 2013. The Corona Virus has attacked my central nervous system. It feels as if my veins have got twisted, and acid is leaking lethargic-like from my battery, but I am aware that I am lucky to have escaped so lightly.
During the lock down I tried to keep focus – keep the hours in order, the day ship shape but, presumably like everyone else, the long road seemed to be full of mountainous S bends and dazzling drops. Over the months, I think I must have taken a wrong turn, slipped under a barrier without knowing, and slid down a snake! But the good news is I appear to be back at GO, for I have just had a few lovely weekends, so I have something to blog about. I am sorry for the terrible mixed metaphors… Obviously, I’m not at my peak of literary writing!
The Corona Virus did make me realise how flimsy and translucent are the protective coverings that I had created for myself over my sixty years of living, forty years of work and thirty years of parenting. It showed me how quickly everything can dissemble. Over the years, I thought I’d been garnering experience, maturity, wisdom even, but it turns out I was only preening and the real fact of the matter is that on some days I felt as raw as I did when a teenager or else, more worrying, I felt nothing. What also surprised me is that, aside from a sense of agitation, which I think everyone felt being locked in, I was unable to prevent my slide into this weary state of being.
Feeling nothing is alarming. During Corona, I filled my days, as I think I said in my last blog with books, puzzles, piano learning, some online workshops, volunteering, walking, learning French, cooking; I even wrote the odd poem but, somehow despite this enforced activity, my heart slipped away. I felt like an old turtle on her back, still plodding but now unable to move, stuck.
With the relaxing of the lockdown, it has got easier. Today, I was going to blog about the wonderful weekend in Limerick with Joe where we spent our time making a garden of his tiny outdoor space and last Saturday and Sunday when Roisin, Joe and I went the beach in Brittas Bay, walked, swam and camped in Roisin’s new old VW camper. I was going to blog about hope and new beginnings. But the thing is, I’m more aware of those damned snakes and I feel too old to enjoy the thrill of the S bends even with spectacular views. I did have a lovely time in Limerick and Brittas Bay, but back in Cavan, I still feel at a slight loss as to what to do. Had to go and buy another puzzle today. My progress across the snakes and ladders board is slow. But, look, I’m writing this blog, and throwing the dice…so… let’s remember, along with the snakes are rabbits and tortoises and all that….
I’ve christened the Camper Matilda, by the way.